I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
