I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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