I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
pray to the hookup gods
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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