I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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