Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
