Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
