they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
