I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
