I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
