Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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