whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
