no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
