The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
