We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
