you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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