My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
