and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
