her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
