Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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