for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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