You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
