i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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