I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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