my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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