I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
