All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
