I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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