yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
