Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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