you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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