I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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