A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
