Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
