You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
