he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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