my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
