I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
