i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
