Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.