I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
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I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.