just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
