Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there was a trapeze. enough said
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
