i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
