fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
