If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
