so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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