I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
