she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
