It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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