put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I need to stop coming to work sober
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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