insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i think my cat just said my name.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
