life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
