So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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