You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
