just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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